18 days. That is all that is left in my teaching career. I am going to do the best job ever and stay home and raise my son. I cannot wait! I have been counting days since Christmas. I made the decision in October that I had to make this happen. I suffered in silence since August about how miserable I was. From day one of leaving my child I felt like someone ripped my heart out every single day. People would say leaving your kid it gets easier or tolerable, you will be glad to be around adults to talk to again. But the words "it gets tolerable" never happened for me. I knew God was leading me in a new direction. I decided that staying home is now my calling. There is no doubt in my mind that God has chosen this path for me. I am completly blessed that I am able to follow this new path. I look forward to all the adventures that Jman and I will encounter together.
As I sit and think about my decision it feels completely wonderful and confusing all at the same time. I knew I wanted kids but I had no idea that having a kid would change my dreams. That being a mom would be the most important thing I will do in life. So as I as I look over my whole life it feels a little confusing. Teaching it was my dream since kindergarten. My yearbook says I want to be a "cashier, ballerina and teacher." I followed that dream and went to college, had the best education on how to become a caring, change the world teacher. I was determined to make a difference. I wanted to teach the 'low income' kids, the ones that needed a loving roll model, someone to look up to. And for seven years that is what I did. So to have my dream completly change in one year of my life it makes me feel uneasy. Teaching was what I was supposed to do, right? Or have I been wrong all my life? Is it ok to change your dream? The beginning of the year started and about 2 weeks in I was like ok, this has to be get better, the month passes and it just gets harder, and the pain grows deeper and I decide I can't do this anymore. As the year goes on my whole outlook on teaching has changed. What is going on in this world? I feel like i'm drowing everyday. My dream to make a difference, what a joke? These kids could careless about me, themselves, anyone. How am I supposed to countinue doeing this job when I feel like I can't do my job. I am spending my day with kids who yell at me, treat me awful, and act like they are God's gift to Earth. (Sorry kid, that gift already came, his name is Jesus you should meet him.) And my heart breaks everyday for them and the situation. But its not fair to my family, my own kid to keep letting them take it out of me. I am no longer going to let these kids suck my energy and take everything from me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Its not fair to my family. So staying at home is the best decision I can make. I can say one thing that working this past year has made me certain of my decision. I think that if I had never gone back I would always wonder should I still be teaching? But now I know the answer, no I shouldn't. So as heart breaking this year has been I think I was meant to work it. So I can truly be thankful of the days ahead. So school system I gave you 7 years, it feels like 20 and pretty sure I got paid for 4.
So on to a new dream. So the difference I can make in the world now is through my kid. I want to invest the time in him to help him to grow into a man that is amazing. Someone that loves life, loves people, cares about people, and follows God with his whole heart. So if the difference I can make is now in only one kid, then thats the best thing I can imagine. I look at the kids I see and pray my son is someone who stands out in class in a good way. He grows up standing out in life in a good way. I want to raise a superhero- a superhero does amazing things to help others. So Jman God is calling me to dream a new dream. To be the most amazing mom I can be for you. So Jman let the adventures begin....