Monday, April 29, 2013

Bugs to Flies

Jman watched his first caterpillar to butterfly transformation the past 2 weeks. If you have never actually watched this process I highly suggest it! I did it for the first time as a teacher. Its as exciting to watch as an adult as a kiddo.

Jman called them bugs and flies. Our caterpillars arrived in the mail and he was fascinated. We had to talk about not shaking them or opening it. He watched them eat and get fatter. Every morning he ran over to see his "bugs". We watched as they crawled to the top and began to form their chrysalis. He had a real hard time just watching and not touching once they did this. Well of course he did, he's 2.

Once they formed their chrysalis I had the not fun job of carefully moving them to the butterfly net. Jeannie I missed you at this point. I have to admit I taped them in and then later I saw they had fallen. Eek! I was so afraid I killed them. So I taped them back up again and prayed they still opened. It takes about 7-10 days for them to open into butterflies. So Jman started to lose interest. There wasn't much to watch. And I was kind of glad since I was afraid I killed them. :(. But on Sunday we came downstairs and 3 had opened! I was so excited. They were still drying so Jman couldn't see their wings and they weren't moving much yet. Then they started to fly around. Jman was thrilled by the "flies". I thought ok 3 out of 5 is good. But on Monday all of them had opened! Yay I'm not a butterfly murderer.

We watched them a couple days and on Thursday we went outside to release them. I thought they would all immediately fly away and Jman would hardly see it. But they didn't want to leave. One left and landed on his shoe and he was able to look real close at them. We actually had to force them to leave one by one. J got to touch them and really experience them. He told the flies bye! Although when we went in he asked for them so I don't think he realized they're really gone.

I'm glad we did it and plan to do it again and again. Hoping every year it becomes a little more interesting. And hopefully I wont drop them next time.

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Tuesday, April 23, 2013

April Sensory Box

I realize April is almost over and I'm just getting this up. :). April sensory box is spring themed. We're pretend planting. We did plant real flowers outside that are growing quite nicely. Although we should check on them since we've been stuck inside sick.

I used black beans and bought some cheap pots and fake flowers from dollar tree. Jman is really just enjoying the beans and pots. As most boys would do he threw the flowers out. He also doesn't like mommy trying to plant his flowers. Silly boy. As usual Jman likes to fully experience the sensory box by being in the box. If monkey keeps growing so fast, he will need a bigger box!!

I'm excited for our May box. Jman will LOVE it. Not so sure there will be a June box but I don't want to skip a month because we're only 3 months away from having a full years worth ready to go. Can't believe it!

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Monday, April 8, 2013

Spring has Sprung

Spring has never been my favorite season and especially not summer. Mainly because I hate the heat. So I cling to what little cool weather we get in Texas during fall and winter. Now having a child I have to come to appreciate all seasons. Each one is special and unique and has something new to explore. Sadly in Texas you might have to be a little creative with your explorations because usually fall is not colorful and things just die and spring is a small window that if you blink you will miss it. Thankfully my child has wide eyes and notices every change and gives us the chance to explore and learn. He was first to notice the tree changing and budding flowers and leaves. As usual my child teaches me to slow down. We are spending as much time outside as we can right now because I find summer to be miserable and can't stand the heat. Unless we're in a pool of water I hate summer.

This summer will also be a challenge for us with a brand new baby and having to balance the boy who wants to live outside and me wanting to keep the baby in.

We are currently on the countdown of 9 weeks. Eek that's soon. Since summer may be a sad occurrence around here for Jman we are trying to do as much fun as we can. My goal is to do something springy every week until baby. I really also just want to make the most of our time left of just Jman and me during the day.

This weeks project is planting flowers. I am not good at planting and well keeping things alive. So well see what happens. Jman filled the pots with dirt. He put in the seeds and covered them. He watered them. And wanted to keep watering them. :) and now we wait. We did plant some Lima beans because I know those things always grow and quick! So at least I won't kill those. I hope to some day have a garden mainly for the learning experience for Jman. Maybe next year we will attempt that.

Our seeds are planted and now we wait.

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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Another statistic

This is a very personal post and one I've debated sharing. But after hearing a friend talk about writing her birth story I felt the need to write mine. Then hearing April it is Caesarean Awareness Month why not. Perhaps it will help me heal. Writing always seems to do that for me. So more than anything this is for me. But if it helps someone else or helps someone become more aware too then that is great too .

Here is my story.

I burst into tears as I left the doctors office on March 10, 2011 upon hearing I would be induced. Kevin said what is the matter? I said I'm going to have a csection I just know it.

Let me back up. Once I knew I was expecting Jman I started thinking of his birth. From the beginning I wanted a natural birth. I wanted to try it and be able to succeed. It came from selfish reason at first I am extremely claustrophobic. Which for me isn't only small spaces but not being in control freaks me out. So an epidural sounded awful. Being unable to move in a bed for hours gives me anxiety thinking about it. So natural birth was my goal. As I talked to people and did research my selfish reasons for a natural birth was no longer my drive. Natural birth is the best and safest thing I could do for myself and most important my son. God designed a woman's body to naturally do the work. And if you wait for your baby's perfect timing then that's what usually happens. I read about and heard from professionals how interventions such as inductions can lead to this problem or that and ultimately the big C. Also I read how epidurals actually slow your progression down leading to more potential problems than if you let your body do what it is supposed to do naturally. I read the many statistics of how intervention after intervention usually leads to the C. And that was the last thing I wanted.

In the very early months I asked my doctor her views on natural birth and what she views on induction. Because if she was one that let you choose to be induced or worse schedule a C or if she encouraged inducing early I would be finding a new doctor. Thankfully she said she would only do those things if medically necessary and after a due date. She thought I was nuts for wanting to go natural but supportive of my wishes.

The weeks went by and we got closer and closer. My due date of March 5 came and went. That weekend I started to have contractions but nothing serious enough and was not active labor. I was excited thinking here we go but things completely stopped. No contractions and no dialating at all. The days felt like weeks. People asked stupid questions like "where is Jman?" Like I had some control and honestly made me angry. I was becoming more and more anxious as I waited. I went for my check up on March 10, five days past my so called due date, nervous hoping to hear some good news that there was some progression. But that's when I heard it, the dreadful words, "we're going to have to induce". My world suddenly came crushing down. What could I say? I was already late. I knew that most likely an induction would turn into a C. I could barely hold myself together. She scheduled it for March 15. Which was still 5 days away, making me almost 2 weeks past my due date. I couldn't really argue the facts. As soon as we got outside I burst into tears. Kevin asked what is wrong? And I said I'm going to end up with a C section. Kevin had been supportive of the natural birth idea although I think he was very nervous of the no drug idea. He tried to comfort me but it was no use. I was scared of induction because my goal was to go natural. I knew that pitocin and natural do not go well together. Pitocin makes you have contractions, strong contractions forcing your body to do something it's not ready to do. So to endure what it puts your body through it would be insane and almost impossible to do naturally. So dreams crushed!

Jman made no progress and on March 15 we got up super early and headed to the hospital. We got signed it, I got poked and prodded and that awful stuff started to run through my body. And that stuff sure knows how to make contractions. I was immediately having minute long contractions every other minute. And after about an hour of that I knew I wouldn't last all day naturally. So I gave in to my next dream crusher the epidural. Luckily for me they didn't give me so much that I was unable to move. After my water was broke I progressed quickly to a six. The nurses were excited saying I would have this baby by lunch. Hour after hour passed and I never changed. Doc came in somewhere around 5 and said nothing's changed for several hours. I'll give you one more hour and then were going to have to do something. She came in an hour later and said it. "We're going to have to do a csection." Who called it five days ago? Me! At this point in the day all I cared about was meeting my sweet little boy. I didn't really process what was just said until the next day. So I'm prepped and all that. There I was completely helpless as my child is cut from my body. And at 9:02pm Jman finally greets the world. He is taken to do his vitals and measurements. Kevin brings a baby wadded up in a blanket and I cant see his face. People are rushing around me, Im being sewn up and all I can say is I cant see his face, I cant see his face. Jman and Kevin are sent out and I never saw his face. An induction I didn't want and I never saw his face, an epidural I didn't want and I never saw his face, a dreadful C I didn't want and I never saw his face, 15 hours of labor and I never saw his face, 41 and half weeks later and I never saw his face.

I was sent to recovery Kevin comes back with the camera full of pictures of my son that I didn't get to see. And the tears began to flow. My mom came in going on about how long his fingers were and I never saw him. He didn't get to see the one who had longed most for his birth. Did he wonder wheres my momma? He wasn't kissed or snuggled immediately by his mom. I didn't meet my son until sometime early in the morning on March 16. And I am still NOT ok with this.

Sometime in the next day or so it hit me what had happened. How much of my birth story was not what I wanted none of it was what I wanted. None of it was what I dreamed or hoped for. None of it was what I had planned for. My body had failed me. I couldn't do what almost every other woman can do. And it hurt physically and emotionally. Of course a mixture of pain, sleep deprivation and a whole lot of hormones does not make you see clearly at all.

But here I am two years later and it still hurts. Yes physically I healed. But emotionally I haven't and not sure if I ever will. I had a good friend that helped me through the hardest part of dealing with it. She made me realize it was ok to hurt and grieve over the birth I didn't have. That as important it was to be thankful for a healthy baby that it was ok to hurt over my own loss of a birth I didn't have.

After Jman's birth my doctor explained what had happened. I know why I couldn't have him, why my body failed me. Essentially nothing would have changed the fact of having a C. Natural birth would not have changed my outcome. But it still hurts, it's hard to process that my body will not do what God has designed women's bodies to do. Why, I don't know, I may never know. Just as we may never know why people who want kids so bad can't have them, or why people lose children, or why there is any type of pain and suffering. I do know that in these moments and these times it draws us closer to Christ. He is there to carry us through the hard times. Where there is no understanding there He is to comfort.

Two years later I know this.

1. It's not any easier. I have an extremely difficult time hearing people say I'm being induced, I'm scheduling a Csection, I having my baby early. I want to say its not natural, it's not what's best. It's not safe. But I don't. Because I know that everyone pictures their birth in their own way. Every women has the right to do what they want for themselves. I do wish people would be educated though before making any decisions. C sections are not the safest route. They are extremely dangerous for you and your child. Thank God they exist, I'm sure in very early times many women and babies died because of not being able to give birth. They should only be used when medically necessary.

2. I am jealous of women who can give birth naturally. Of women who are induced and it goes so easy and smooth. I am not jealous of a woman who has a C though. And not completely understanding of someone who chooses this birth path without a good reason

3. I will be having another C for Cappie. I hate that sentence. If I could have a VBAC I would in a heart beat. I am so proud of all the women who can. I am so proud of how many women are becoming educated and choosing a VBAC. You are a hero in my eyes. Cappies birth will also not be what I dream of but at least I am prepared for it. I know it's coming.

4. I'm scared of having another C. With Jman it all happened so fast I couldn't process what actually was happening to me physically but this time I am fully aware. That is actually more scary than being rushed in the moment. Because now I sit and think of what can go wrong. That I will lay there awake as they cut me open and rip my child from me. I am fully aware of the procedure and I think about more than I should. It keeps me up at night. It reminds me daily that my body has failed me. I have to emotionally overcome that and be strong for my little boy. But it's hard.

5. I will see my baby's face. If they don't let me hold him or whatever I will see that baby's precious face and kiss him. I hate that Jman's first encounter was not with his mommy. That he didn't even get to see his mommy or be held by his mommy for several hours. That will not happen again!

6. I have a beautiful 2 year old boy and soon we will have another one. And ultimately I am thankful he is here and healthy and I pray that for my second one. That his birth will bring another happy, healthy boy. As for me and my pain Christ is there to pull me through.

There it is, my story. Another statistic.
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Monday, April 1, 2013

Six weeks Pinterest free!

For lent I gave up Pinterest and a few other time consuming apps on my phone. Time consuming or time wasting is more appropriate. It may have seem like an odd choice. Lent is for sacrificing something in your life to help you focus on the suffering and sacrifice that Christ gave. The ultimate sacrifice. I thought hard about my choice. I tried Facebook last year and was not successful. I really hope to accomplish that one someday. But it's kind of hard when all groups now only communicate that way. :(. I debated chocolate, that seriously would have been tough and a challenge. But I thought it wasn't fair to Cappie this year, seeing how that's what he really craves. :). So maybe next year. An easy one would have been alcohol since Cappie can't have any of that lol. I mean I'm already 7 months alcohol free. Actually don't miss that at all. Not a sacrifice when I'm not preggo.

Lately I have been struggling with how much time I waste playing on my phone. iPhones are great, technology advancements are great but not always. I had noticed that everything I did my phone was in my hand. Checking who pinned what, playing another stupid game, multitasking everything with phone in hand. I was on Pinterest pinning junk I will never look at again, playing another dumb word game and Drop 7 constantly whole I watched TV, cooked dinner, played with Jack. It's become ridiculous. Sadly it is the norm. Everywhere you go you watch people do everything with phone in hand. Missing everyday life to do who knows what. Granted it can be useful and helpful. But I was seriously convicted with
"what are you focusing your time on?" Jman or a stupid phone?
"What does Jman learn from this?"
Is he learning that you can't focus your mind on only one thing? Does he think that my phone is more important? Does he think that you must occupy your time with 2 things? I don't want him to ever think a phone or game is my priority. I don't want him to constantly need technology, but to enjoy life for what it has to offer.

So with those thoughts in mind I gave up the 3 apps that waste my time. Pinterest, Words with Friends (shout out to Laura for surviving that with me) and Drop 7. Facebook really should be added to that list (someday). I would like to permanently eliminate FB but that's a story for another day.

I didn't delete the apps, I wanted to look at them everyday and avoid the temptation.

So what I learned was it wasn't so hard, I actually have not missed Pinterest, still haven't looked at it. I still don't play drop 7 and well Laura does have me back for words. Couldn't let her down. Pinterest became such a time filler. Let me see what's on there. Look at that recipe I will never make but will pin it. I will never own that outfit. I will never make that project or craft. And so on. I think Pinterest is great, lots of fun and has super ideas. But it can become addictive. It can also prevent you from using your own mind. Instead of thinking an idea on your own, you automatically turn to Pinterest. I used to could be given a topic and come up with 5-10 activities immediately. And now it's like oh let me see what Pinterest has. Boo! So I'm sure I will check back in. But I'm hoping to use it more productively and not to just fill my time. I also stopped watching TV and playing on my phone at the same time. I started reading more. I've been keeping up with my New Years resolution daily and not having to catch up several days at one time. (Which is to read the Bible in a year) I spent more time in the dirt playing with Jman and not watching from a distance. I actively played with him and not just sat by him. We searched for bugs and raced cars. We danced more, we read more. We laughed more, we smiled more. All with the phone put away on the counter.

I know that my sacrifice was nothing compared to Christ's. But I do know it made me reflect on things and make life better. Helped me make some changes that I really needed. Helped me live more in the moment and not just a bystander.

I am grateful for Christ's sacrifice so that I can live so that we all have a chance to live. He is risen!! Pin It