Endings

This time next week, I will hang up my teacher hat. Scary, nervous, excited, thrilled, overwhlemed, exhausted, worried. All things that cross my mind.

So this coming week is packed with to do lists and activities, and then to deal with the outrageous behaviors, its all a bit overwhelming. So day by day it is, but I want to make those days count. We actually had a behavior training yesterday and I was like ugh really, seriously?! But it actually made me think about things. He mentioned trying to not ruin relationships. Its the end of the year, we are all tired of each other, so be careful how you act. You don't want to ruin a year long relationship because of the stress and busyness Then he said something that broke my heart. 'That most of these kids are acting out because they are scared of summer. You are the only routine and safe place these kids know.' Oh my goodness, how true is that. My kids come to school knowing they will get 2 meals a day, no promises of that at home. They come in knowing I will be there with a hug and smile, no promises of that at home. They know I will listen to them, no promises of that at home. They know that I will forget what they did the day before and give them a new start, actually 10 minutes later they get that, no promises of that at home. They know I will give them rules and structure because I love them and I want them safe, no promises of that at home. Some of these kids who give me the headache at the end of the day, everyday, are scared of what the next 3 months bring. This breaks my heart. These are the kids that I got into teaching for. The ones I wanted to help and know that I was part of their life for a short time, but I gave them love everyday. So I actually got sad that I'm not going to make that difference anymore. It make me ache for these kids, and realize we only have 4 days left. Its really no difference than any other year, these kids will go on to the next grade and continue on through life. But I will continue to pray that they are safe and will be loved unconditionally by someone. Someone will tell them they are loved and they are special, they can be anything they want in life.

I read this recently and it really hit home. 7 years ago I was depressed because I couldn't find a job. I worked so hard for something and for awhile God had me wait. Then I was blessed with this amazing job and calling. I had a hard year, but was doing what I loved. 7 years later I find myself depressed because I am in this job that God blessed me with and can't wait to stay home. I truly believe that God is calling me in a new direction, but it made me realize how we always seem to be wanting something new or things need to change. But we often forget to thank God for the blessings we are currently in, that we actually prayed for those at one time. I realized I prayed so hard 7 years ago for the place I am in now. So I am thankful that I am blessed with the opportunity to stay home and raise my son. I am thankful that we are able to do this, it is a huge blessing!!. But Lord I am thankful for the past 7 years! They are an answered prayer as well. I taught 150+ kids. My first I learned that I am never alone, even though no one helped me that year, God did and walked with me every step of the way. The next year I learned that it does get easier, and met one of my amazing friends, who has gone to a new school, but we continue to be friends through church and our kids will grow up together. My third year was a complete answer to prayer and I was moved to kinder, my life long dream!! I met the most amazing team this year, and proud to call all of them my friends today. (Love my 'mean' girls!!) My fourth year brought more challenges, and had to deal with moving back to first,where I did not want to be, and when I thought I couldn't make it, God brought me through another big storm. I also got married this year, and realized just how wonderfully blessed I was with an amazing husband. Thank you Kevin.  This one somehow one of the best years and hardest years of my life. My fifth year, I was moved back to kinder and was back with the dream team! My sixth year I was expecting Jack and somehow managed to not be stressed. And then there's this year, and it was a roller coaster of emotions. This has been one of the best years and hardest years of my life. And as God always proves he is there, he will bring you through the storm and hold you while the boat rocks. And boy did this boat rock this year. So each year I am thankful for, they each taught me something, brought unforgettable kids, tears of hurt and tears of joy.  Every challenge and trial helps you become a better person in one way or another. And as they have always been, my parents were there for every high and low. They continue to be there as they are willing to help me move one last time!  I am thankful for the good and the bad, the trials and the blessings.

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Old Friends

Sometimes I absolutely hate facebook and all the drama it causes, and then you find why you have one. Last night I reunited with one of the most amazing families I have ever known. My boss from Chickfila. When I started my job there, I didn't expect to work there 5 years and I didn't know I would make a 'family'. I got to be apart of a wonderful family, through my boss and his wife, and watch their family grow. They have 2 awesome kids. My favorite kids in the whole world (until my Jman). ( I absolutely love kids, and although I am giving up teaching, my love for them will never change) I hate to say babysat, so I hung out with these kids often! They were my 2 favorite kids in the whole world. And facebook brought us all back together last night. My kids that I watched from the ages of 3-5 are now 12, and 15. Wow, time does fly. But they are amazing kids. And I was a small part of their lives. And I wondered if they even remembered me. The boy asked me 'how are you?' and I said "well i'm a mom now, so a boring adult." He then gave me the best compliment I have heard in a while "As I remember you, you were never boring." And as I remember we did have great times together, lots of running around the house. So even though I was just their babysitter, I made a difference. And although they touched my life more than I did theirs, it was nice to know I am remembered. I don't know why I felt I needed to write about this, perhaps its because I feel like I won't be remembered by 7 previous classes, or I won't be remembered fondly. I know that perhaps I did make a difference somewhere.

As for my Jman, he is my favorite kid now. And he is so smart! I look at him and think, wow he is real, he is growing, he is forming his own unique personality, he is learning. Things we've learned the past 2 weeks, is to sound like a gorilla, roar like a lion, say girl, and try his hardest to get his own water cup. And i'm sure before I can believe it he will be 15 and hopefully saying "Mom you were never boring!"

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A better quality of life

Many ask what are you going to do with all your free time now? First of all, free time, I think not. But I definitly will watch lots of soap operas while eating bonbons. Umm nope again. I do expect of myself a better quality of life. There are so many times I say "I'll do that when I get time. I'll eat healthy when I have time. I'll clean the house next weekend." Because now every spare moment I spend with my family. Enjoying just watching Jman learn new words and tricks. Taking him places just to see him smile. So all those petty things can wait, because those smiles are worth a million dollars. So yes there will be sacrifices to make, but are they worth it? Absolutely. Maybe we won't buy as much stuff, but thank goodness. Kevin and I want a better way of life, to raise Jack in a way to appreciate life, and realize hard work is the way to make it.

So better quality of life:
1. Declutter your life of stuff. Well of course with a toddler I am constantly hiding, and moving stuff higher and higher (which my tall man still finds ways to). So its making me realize what I really need and don't need. So first off clean it up and get rid of it :). And well J needs more room for his toys.

2. Declutter your life of people. People who do not challenge you to be a better person, or raise you up and make you feel good. Goodbye. I'm ready to rid myself of drama. I left highschool 12 years ago and I believe I counted those days and much as I am now. I, in no way want to live through that again. I plan to surround myself with people who raise me up, make me laugh, support my decision, people who challenge me to be a better Christian.

3. Eat  better. Being responsible for someone elses health and growth totally makes you rethink things. He wants to eat everything I eat, so if I don't want him to eat why am I eating it? So that makes me cook fresher and less processed. Goal around here is to eat out once a week. Thats a tough one, but I plan to make that happen. I remember growing up and we ate out only for special occasscions, like birthdays and holidays. We ate 3 meals at home a day from home made foods, nothing processed. I never knew what blue box macaroni was until college or instant potatoes. So not only are we going to eat at home but we will eat things that I know where they came from. I want my child to ask "whats for dinner?" not "where are we going tonight?" Working makes this very hard, I know its an excuse, but really who wants to cook and clean up every night when you've been dealing with 22 crazy kids. Not it!

4. Be active. I want Jman to be outside everyday! I want him to beg, which he already does to go outside. He stands at the window and says "outside" (in his own cute way, but I know thats what he is saying). Too many kids spend their life inside in front of screens. So I want him to have a good balance of that. Use your imagination, explore, get dirty!

5. Live Simply. I just want to enjoy the simple things in life again. Put my focus back on the purpose of our lives, which is to live a life glorifying to God.

6. Give to others. As Jman gets older I want to really instill in him the importance of helping others. That we need to give back to others. So goal is to find at least one community service activity a month that Jman and I can do together. I still remember going with my mom to the food bank as a kid and stacking shelves. I want Jman to ask how can we help?

7. Be a better person. This one is all me. I feel I became someone this year that I am not proud of, and certainly not one God would be proud of. So this is a chance to change. I found this quote and it is exactly what I want said about me.

So I have plenty to do with all my "free" time. I am so blessed that we are able to make this choice. I know it is not one for everyone, but it is for me. I am so gracious that God has opened this door for us. I don't want to take advantage of it, and look forward to what He has in store for me, Jman, and Kevin. Pin It

Following a new dream

18 days. That is all that is left in my teaching career. I am going to do the best job ever and stay home and raise my son. I cannot wait! I have been counting days since Christmas. I made the decision in October that I had to make this happen. I suffered in silence since August about how miserable I was. From day one of leaving my child I felt like someone ripped my heart out every single day. People would say leaving your kid it gets easier or tolerable, you will be glad to be around adults to talk to again. But the words "it gets tolerable" never happened for me. I knew God was leading me in a new direction. I decided that staying home is now my calling. There is no doubt in my mind that God has chosen this path for me. I am completly blessed that I am able to follow this new path. I look forward to all the adventures that Jman and I will encounter together.

As I sit and think about my decision it feels completely wonderful and confusing all at the same time. I knew I wanted kids but I had no idea that having a kid would change my dreams. That being a mom would be the most important thing I will do in life. So as I as I look over my whole life it feels a little confusing. Teaching it was my dream since kindergarten. My yearbook says I want to be a "cashier, ballerina and teacher." I followed that dream and went to college, had the best education on how to become a caring, change the world teacher. I was determined to make a difference. I wanted to teach the 'low income' kids, the ones that needed a loving roll model, someone to look up to. And for seven years that is what I did. So to have my dream completly change in one year of my life it makes me feel uneasy. Teaching was what I was supposed to do, right? Or have I been wrong all my life? Is it ok to change your dream? The beginning of the year started and about 2 weeks in I was like ok, this has to be get better, the month passes and it just gets harder, and the pain grows deeper and I decide I can't do this anymore. As the year goes on my whole outlook on teaching has changed. What is going on in this world? I feel like i'm drowing everyday. My dream to make a difference, what a joke? These kids could careless about me, themselves, anyone. How am I supposed to countinue doeing this job when I feel like I can't do my job. I am spending my day with kids who yell at me, treat me awful, and act like they are God's gift to Earth. (Sorry kid, that gift already came, his name is Jesus you should meet him.) And my heart breaks everyday for them and the situation. But its not fair to my family, my own kid to keep letting them take it out of me. I am no longer going to let these kids suck my energy and take everything from me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Its not fair to my family. So staying at home is the best decision I can make. I can say one thing that working this past year has made me certain of my decision. I think that if I had never gone back I would always wonder should I still be teaching? But now I know the answer, no I shouldn't. So as heart breaking this year has been I think I was meant to work it. So I can truly be thankful of the days ahead. So school system I gave you 7 years, it feels like 20 and pretty sure I got paid for 4.

So on to a new dream. So the difference I can make in the world now is through my kid. I want to invest the time in him to help him to grow into a man that is amazing. Someone that loves life, loves people, cares about people, and follows God with his whole heart. So if the difference I can make is now in only one kid, then thats the best thing I can imagine. I look at the kids I see and pray my son is someone who stands out in class in a good way. He grows up standing out in life in a good way. I want to raise a superhero- a superhero does amazing things to help others. So Jman God is calling me to dream a new dream. To be the most amazing mom I can be for you. So Jman let the adventures begin....

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