Monday, August 10, 2015

The day my world changed.

I love the app time hop. I love seeing old pictures and comparing them to today. Well today reminded how 4 years ago my life, my heart, my future, my destiny shifted. 

No it wasn't the day I became a mom. It was the day I became a working mom. 
This photo popped up with "Looks like someone missed me too". The previous status that day "Lord please let the hardest day ever pass quickly" 

I went back to work that day. After five beautiful months with my buddy, I had to wake him up, dress him, pack his bag, rip heart from chest, place in car seat, send him with my husband (because I sure wasn't going to take him) and That was the plan. Always was. Go back to teaching. So I did. 

This day four years ago went by quickly. I had friends to laugh with. An awesome new principal who brought in the drum cafe that day. I worked as much as I could in my classroom. And as soon as that clock hit 3, I ran out the door and rushed to my parents, to get my heart back. So happy to be back together!
Phew I survived. And then I had to do again the next day. And the next. And the next. 

It's pretty hard to function without a heart. Especially when you're a teacher. And your job is giving your heart, energy, every bit of your being to kids. I was used to this job, the demand. I had been doing it six years. But this year was different. My heart was not there. It wasn't broken. It just wasn't there but was with this little boy at my parents. Try teaching like that. It's pretty impossible. I promise,  you no longer make a difference. Everyday is torture. People said it would get easier. Liars!  I am very careful when new mommas start taking their babies to childcare to not say it gets easier. Because for me it never did! I usually say "it gets different" 

One day I got the courage to tell my supportive, loving husband, I can't do it anymore. And he said ok. 

Four years ago I started the journey to a new destiny, a new dream. One that took me by surprise. One that made me happier than I can express. 

My heart goes out to all you mommas who are struggling. Whether it's leaving your baby when you don't want to or maybe it's not feeling fulfilled in your life as momma and needing more.  Do what's best for you so you can be the best momma for your kids. 

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